Uncertain existance

Posted on Sat Feb 7th, 2015 @ 7:41am by Raza LeKar

Personal log for Raza LeKar In first person

The USS Hope is now only part of a day out of port and I have found myself . . well, uncertain.

I have been operational for just under 48 hours, and I find myself at times with a mix of emotions. It is odd that a holodeck character program would have this level of self-awareness, but I had must never been active long enough to consider it. Yet, my programming is for an Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor. So, there may be some distinct differences.

I freely admit as to my existence, yet only as a hologram. But in my two previous activations, my active role as a doctor had been performed and was then presumptuously deactivated. In both of those incidents, I felt useful, valuable, and had achieved my purpose, . . . but to what end? I would guess . . to serve the needs of the hurting.

Yet, here, on this vessel, who’s primary role is to care for the hurt and/or injured, I am not at all able to fulfill that primary role. Not in the least. Yet . . . . I have found in the last couple days that I have been able to bring a smile to several faces. Providing food and drink to others, by many standards would be looked down upon as servant-hood, but somehow I feel it more of an obligation of service to the crewmembers that enter the forward lounge; the Hippocratic Hall.

Side bar. I am curious, who even came up with that name, anyway? I do get the connotation and related purpose. I guess my issue with it is that it does not roll of the tongue or even sounds like a place I would want to go and hangout and relax with my friend. I would think something more like; the Hideaway, or maybe the Veranda. Both of those, to me, are more inviting of a name. Yet, . . . as it has been said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Yes, that brings up another point. Because of my current . . situation, I have been provided time to read. Yes, yes, as a program I can instantly read a massive manuscript, but if I take the time and read as any other sentient creature, I seem to gain a different fulfillment by reading the words one by one.

For example, that quote from the ancient Earth play Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespear. Shakespeare's way of using words was something along the lines of creating a picture than just the actions or words used. My understanding is that this Shakespear just made up many of the words to suit him. And the English, well, they just used them like they belonged in the language.

As I mentioned, my program has been left on for almost 2 days now. I have tried to stay busy assisting and serving the crew, but for my own time, I have no place for myself. Yet, I wonder if I need a room or a bed, or just a nice chair to relax. But then, why would a holo-program need to relax. I am finding all the nuances, of my program not totally adequate. I wonder if that Engineer would consider some slight modifications to my program?

Continuing, during my ‘free-time’ I have tried to find things to do with myself – I initially accessed information in published medical journals, species related biology, psychology, books, movies, history. Downloading the information was easy enough. Yet, as I mentioned, I have found more ‘pleasure’ out of reading the printed word. I have also been listening to music with my specific programmed hearing. I really shouldn’t call it an ear. I couldn’t truthfully say what type of music I like the most, but I can admit that Klingon Opera is not something I gain pleasure from.

So, to close this log, I would say that the next several days will be different than any I have experienced. And the next weeks, if I am allowed to exist that long, will be an enlightening time for my consciousness.


Raza LeKar
fka EMH doctor